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Joke of the Day
"Why didn't the skeleton make a good lawyer? All his work was pro bono."
Next Joke
"I'm giving up drinking. ... Hard liquor. ... On Wednesdays."
"Don't you hate double standards? If a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she is called a slut, but when a guy does it he is called a homosexual."
"I used to watch lots of Bruce Willis movies, but now I don't. I guess old habits Die Hard. ^Someone ^please ^slap ^me. ^EDIT: ^Even ^better, ^this ^was ^a ^shower ^thought ^too..."
"[Baby crying in a movie theater] Me: ""What's his name?"" Parent: ""Ethan."" Me: ""The movie's starting, Ethan."""
"I think I need to put my dog on antidepressants I ask him how his day was. His answer is always ""Rough"""
"Press 1 for English. Press 2 for spanish. Press 1 and 2 at the same time for the latest Pitbull song"
"Death by chickpea... What do you call it when a chickpea smashes another one to death? Hummuscide Thanks, I'm out."
"Why do Republicans use rulers? They want everything to be straight."
"I wish I was an elevator... Because maybe then my wife would go down on me :c"