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Joke of the Day

"ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones. DMV WORKER: I'm not putting that on your license."

"You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls."

"My existential crisis began when I realized there is no ""I"" in ""me."""

"How is American beer like having sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water."

"Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We're just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR."

"how do you make pickle bread? with dill dough"

"What does the blind say when he walks past the fish market? Hello ladies."

"ME: So I... was never invisible? JAIL DOCTOR: No. That's why you're in jail"

"A friend asked me what I thought I would be doing in 4 years, I said I dunno... ...it's not like I have 2020 vision."

"What animal would you most like to be on a cold day? A little otter"