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Joke of the Day

"I lied awake all last night waiting for the sun to come up... And then it dawned on me."

"After just starting uni, I have decided I don't like referencing. I don't like it et al."

"Why did the gymnast's account get sent to collections? She had an outstanding balance."

"[stewardess] ""Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time"""

"Trump is single-handedly bringing down America. Actually, I take it back. With hands that small, he'd have to use them both."

"""Wow! Go show your mommy!"" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds."

"Well if you didn't want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?"

"There's two types of people in this world: those who finish their sentences,"

"My friend had asked me for tips that may help his erectile dysfunction Apparently, a hotter wife wasn't a good answer."

"If you were to look at my search history you might think I was a history buff... ... but in reality I just enjoy masturbating to pictures of Holocaust victims."