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Joke of the Day

"What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your mouth."

"I hope you guys realize that sunflower seeds are salted little plant babies."

"I told my wife I love her like a Brit loves soccer... She looked worried and said, ""So you're going to get drunk and yell at me?"" EDIT: correcting auto-correct."

"In LGBTQ acronym, ""Q"" stands for ""queer"" or ""questioning""... It's the ""Don't ask, can't tell"" sexual orientation."

"As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway."

"Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say ""Ta-Da"" when you do."

"Death When a family member unexpectedly dies, what's the proper waiting period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan?"

"I don't like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses."

"I have a friend who has a fetish on almonds. He's fucking nuts."

"What are the four words that you least want to hear, after having blown Willie Nelson? ""I'm not Willie Nelson."""