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Joke of the Day

"On our third date, my girlfriend told me that she was bisexual. I broke it off with her because I definitely need sex more than every two weeks."

"Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing... He killed Hitler."

"Don't do the pathetic baby talk when talking to the baby. They don't understand you any better. You don't go up to a dog and start barking."

"John met god and God said ""John come forth and you will receive eternal light"" sadly John came fifth and won a toaster"

"A little bit of racism Scientists have found that your fingerprints may indicate that you are black or white. For example, if your fingerprints were found at the crime scene, you're probably black."

"Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets."

"Ever meet those people that say your name in a really high pitched voice to be super annoying? I think I just stabbed one. Call my lawyer."

"Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat."

"4yo: When you're 9, you can drive Me: Pretty sure you have to be older 4yo: Some people can drive at 9 Me: A little older 4yo: Ya, it's 9"

"I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car."