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Joke of the Day

"I've started an elimination diet, It's where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet."

"So I was having sex the other day... I thought I was doing a great job because her toes kept curling, then I realized she was still wearing panty-hose..."

"My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I've ever seen! He's mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found. *tampons"

"Waiter: how were your steak and eggs Me: just okay Waiter: oh no Me: you could say they were Waiter: please no Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker"

"amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i'm like ""yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?"""

"A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You've made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?"

"Wanna race? Ok, I got white"

"How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?"

"If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to shit yourself when you see everything else going on in the world."

"How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant."