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Joke of the Day

"ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he'll devour the entire carcass HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?"

"There's one good thing about suffering from insomnia 3 more sleeps 'til Christmas!"

"What's the difference between Polio and 9/11? The government actually wanted to stop Polio."

"What does a dentist do in his free time? Shoot lions."

"My girlfriend said, ""Hey, want to hear a dirty joke..."" I expected her to say ""a white horse in mud"", but she surprised me with ""your dick after we do anal""."

"Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong."

"Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you're continuing to send tweets."

"You know, I just love whiteboards... They're remarkable."

"Who were the fastest readers of all time? The victims of 9/11. They went through over 87 stories in less than 2 1/2 minutes."

"You know that photo of yourself you really fucking hate, it'll look great to you in ten years time so don't delete that shit."