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Joke of the Day

"You know that photo of yourself you really fucking hate, it'll look great to you in ten years time so don't delete that shit."

"Tried to type hustlin', iPhone corrected to hustling'. I don't need to see the casing to know that I've got the white iPhone."

"One time I asked, ""What would Jesus do?"". That's the same day I almost drowned."

"I asked Santa for a Frisbee when I was a kid.... But I was an only child, so he gave me a boomerang."

"My retirement plan is to die young and broke."

"Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Southern Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store."

"what do you call a dog who sits on a bench and reads his newspaper? a human-dog xDDD"

"I usually prefer buffets to a la carte restaurants. Someone once asked me if I enjoyed Italian restaurants, and I said, I prefer Italiacan restaurants."

"Did you hear about the deaf man who was diagnosed with cancer? He didn't."

"In my opinion it's the aborted fetus' fault for not carrying a gun for protection"