229246

Joke of the Day

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder my ass. I haven't been on Myspace in years and I still think it fucking sucks."

"Actually, until you cut into it it's chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that'd be great."

"What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise"

"The reason I don't like police officers... Everyone that has ever arrested me has been a police officer."

"How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!"

"I think my wife is overdoing her lent observance. She won't even toss my salad."

"Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? Because it's his only chance to open the door to Number 10!"

"I also like my coffee like I like my women ...ground up and in the freezer"

"What do you call an Asian woman on the moon? an Astronaut"

"Holy lord, that sneeze felt so good I feel like I just cheated. I even named it Stan to further delude myself. I'm such a bad girl!"