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Joke of the Day

"Me: *pooping with the door open* Olive Garden Mgr: ""I know what the slogan says ma'am, we aren't THAT kind of family."""

"What is the worst city to be a cop in? Baltimore, I hear it's backbreaking work."

"True story: Surgeon: Did someone fart? Silence Surgeon: I need to know if someone farted. I may have perforated bowel. Med student: I farted"

"Why do they make Raisin Bran commercials? For raisin bran awareness."

"Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle."

"Might stand on a construction site looking at blue prints today and see what happens."

"I just whispered Beetlejuice 3 times and Michael Keaton showed up and asked for a job."

"""Daddy, what does 'autonomous' mean?"" ""Do your own fucking homework!"""

"Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet? Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes? Wife: What? Me: What? Communication is hard"

"Him: You drank all that Coke? Me: Well, with my rum.. Him: ... Me: ... Me: How many beers did you have today? Him: Good talk, honey."