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Joke of the Day

"what do you get? What do you get if you mix up an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? A guy who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog."

"I don't really like my beard But it's growing on me"

"The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike She wasn't promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal. (Mat Ewins)"

"Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint"

"I hate taking pictures of mirrors. The pictures always come out with some a**hole in them."

"Me: Why doesn't he love me? Nachos: Eat more of me and find out! Me: *Chewing* So? Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here."

"What's the difference between George Michael and Carrie Fisher? Two days."

"Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person's noticed mine's a calculator."

"If I say ""Bloody Mary"" three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?"

"If you want to hunt birds at night, you should bring a Texan along. They always seem to remember the owl-ammo."