228309

Joke of the Day

"I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don't care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit"

"Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out."

"What is a vampire's favorite sport? Batminton."

"If you are what you eat then I'm a cannibal. Ba dum tsh"

"what's the peak of bad luck to fall off a crashing plane on a sinking ship"

"How many eggs does a Frenchman need? One, because that's an Oeuf."

"A retarded kid, chemo patient, and midget walk into a candy store... [And walk out with jawbreakers bigger than their heads!](http://imgur.com/HwGG6mm)"

"I renew my ages-old wish that there was a CD of nothing but SNL closing-credits music that you could play to get people to leave your house."

"What's the difference between 9/11 and Tianjin? I'm only 75% sure Jews did Tianjin"

"How does good deodorant smell? Odorable."