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Joke of the Day

"I renew my ages-old wish that there was a CD of nothing but SNL closing-credits music that you could play to get people to leave your house."

"*runs into the back of wife's leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time* me: We meet agai- wife: Go wait in the car me: Ok"

"I like my women like I like my coffee Hot and all over my pants."

"Did you blow bubbles as a kid? He's in town with the circus and wants you to call him."

"What's an alcoholic's favorite novel? Tequila Mockingbird I made this up just now... I'm so excited about it."

"I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday."

"Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it."

"Obviously, Mario Kart is not a documentary. It's a dramatization of real events."

"When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers."

"Ladies, don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes."