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Joke of the Day

"My grandfather always used to tell me... you can lead a horse to water, but if you can teach him to fish, you need to lay off the fucking acid."

"How do you get Dick from Richard? Buy him dinner first."

"Little Timmy... Little Timmy had a drink, But drink he will no more, For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4."

"I don't want to spoil my autobiography for you. But at the end, you find out that you've just wasted 4.99."

"I ask that my remains me kept in an urn... ...and whoever keeps the urn squirts some lotion in there periodically because you guys know I can't stand being ashy."

"Wife: ""Would you like to help me....?"" Translation: ""Do it or die."""

"Make your employees work 8x faster by constantly playing that music from Sonic the Hedgehog when you've been under water for too long."

"What's the difference between askreddit's mods and askreddit's subscribers? Askreddit's subscribers are ok with offensive jokes."

"The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat"

"Why did the music critic compare the song to a foul-mouthed mixture of sand and wind? Because it was Da-rude Sandstorm"