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Joke of the Day

"I ask that my remains me kept in an urn... ...and whoever keeps the urn squirts some lotion in there periodically because you guys know I can't stand being ashy."

"I recently got a job in the fast food industry, changed my name to Fedora Everyone tips fedora!"

"The U.S. military is like a drunk frat boy. If you really believe it's pulling out before something bad happens, joke's on you, buddy."

"""What's your name?"" ""Dave Fucking Smith"" ""Do you have Tourette's, Dave?"" ""No, but the vicar at my christening did."""

"What was the name of the meth cook who got caught stealing baked beans? Heinzenburg"

"Last night my wife said that our bed had seen better days. She's right. When she stopped at her mum's last week, I had a threesome in it on Monday and Tuesday."

"What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud"

"Why is Perfume so cheap? Because its only worth one scent!"

"What did the door say to the other door? I can see your Knob Simple yet effective"

"GOOD COP: He won't talk except in sign language BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent"