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Joke of the Day

"[after blowing out all the candles on my cake] him: Did you wish for world peace again? me: haha of course. *A WILD SQUIRTLE APPEARS*"

"You shouldn't eat Xmas decorations You will get tinselitis"

"How much calcium is in a kiss? Enough to make a bone hard."

"What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend."

"She : I Love Kids He : I Love The Process"

"Rebecca Romaine Lettuce. Is that something? I don't care. It's just one tweet in an entire universe. Who gives a shit."

"Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway."

"I overheard a voyeur couple talk... ... about how they needed to start seeing other peepholes."

"What do you call a black guy that flies a plane? Pilot"

"What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies!"