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Joke of the Day

"If you had to steal a bike from someone, who would it be? A black guy, because it's probably already stolen."

"Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful. Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her."

"[at restaurant] ""check, please!"" [waiter leans over] sir, again, there are no monsters under the table ""ok....goodnight"" wait what"

"Have you seen the special message written at the bottom of a condom when you roll it all the way out? Me neither.."

"Take my advice I'm not using it."

"Why was the Egyptian kid confused? Because his daddy was a mummy"

"So the other night I was fucking this girl in the ass, and she said something like ""I love you?"". So I punched her in the face."

"Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing."

"Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he's- Son: Dad please don't... Dad: Lawn gone."

"My card got declined buying toilet paper shit."