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Joke of the Day

"""Keep pumping until something happens."" -Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I've understood."

"Hey, Sean Bean, it's either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can't have it both ways."

"I bought a nice 12 year old Scotch. Obviously his parents weren't pleased!"

"Harambe jokes... Can we kill them too?"

"Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my fuckin' dick!"

"What is the favorite school topic of Karma Whores? Derivatives"

"Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I'm going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic."

"Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women."

"Why does a giraffe need such a long neck? Because its head is so far away from its body."

"My mom once got drunk and stabbed me because I look like my Father... ...But hey the past is the past. She's sober now and I can finally walk again."