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Joke of the Day

"Gotta be consistent about working under the influence so coworkers think you're naturally that weird"

"Why was Sean Connery accused of piracy while drinking tea? He took a ship."

"My cat hasn't used the litter box in days. I have no idea where, or if, he's been pooping. I guess I have some shit to figure out."

"Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors? A: A superior being."

"I hate that ""You know what to do"" voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad."

"Where do socialist birds lay their eggs? In a communest (pls ^dont ^^be ^^^repost)"

"Why are Skeleton's so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."

"DOCTOR: Do you have any questions? ""Can I shower with this cast?"" DOCTOR: What do you think, guys? PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!"

"I wish that Game of Thrones was on Twitter So George RR had to limit it to less than 140 characters."

"SCIENTIST: Behold The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive ME: uh okay *gets in* [CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]"