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Joke of the Day

"No thanks lady, I don't need a tray I'll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee's"

"SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt? ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here"

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? You're hot but you make me really uncomfortable, sometimes my underwear gets sticky and I get burned"

"Turtles think tortoises are pretentious as hell."

"Me: *passes ransom note* Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies? Me: Or you'll never see the cat alive! Mom: He's behind you. Me: STUPID KITTY!"

"I just got back from the battered women's shelter... Boy are my arms tired!"

"The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died. His family are taking it really hard."

"My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... ""Here I go again on my own""."

"I hope zombies will come from Mexico. After eating their way through fat Americans, they'll be like ""Sorry little Canadians. We're full."""

"What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus? Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on."