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Joke of the Day

"The riot police are always early. I hear it helps them beat the crowds."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you'll wish you had a fucking club and a spade."

"What time zone are you in when you find a sheep stuck in a fence? Mountin' time"

"What does the hungry monster get after he's eaten too much ice cream? More ice cream!"

"New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot. I call it the Ferguson"

"What's a slave's favorite type of music? House"

"[Airport Bar] Me: I'll have a beer, please. Bartender: That'll be $45. Me: Worth it."

"At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go!"

"Sometimes, we waste too much time to think about someone who doesn't even think about us for a second."

"Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in."