223283

Joke of the Day

"What do you call a morality story with sharp teeth and green scales? An allegory."

"*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night* *wife reaches over* ""Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?"" *already locked myself in the bathroom*"

"Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam"

"Life would be more fun if every time we sneezed we lifted off the ground a few feet and came back down in slow motion"

"How did Moses make his tea. Hebrew it. This is not a joke Israel."

"Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it's justified."

"""That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice."" No Grandma, that's Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate"

"How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up an turn it into a xylophone"

"Mrs. Smith: Help me doctor! My son John swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!"

"I've spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she's a woodpecker."