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Joke of the Day

"It's cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated"

"Before Twitter, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind."

"Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it."

"I slept like a baby last night... ...I woke up screaming because I had shat myself"

"No wonder hell finally froze over for the Cubs... ...because the devil left to be President"

"Why is it so expensive to divorce a woman here in California? Because it's worth it."

"If you like to spoon, you'll love to spatula. That's where I flip you over to make certain you're done properly on both sides."

"A mother walked in to find her son playing with his privates. ""Oh dear..."" ""...those toy soldiers were supposed to be a surprise!"""

"Motels may wanna take down that ""Color TV"" sign. We know."

"Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don't borrow someone else's iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen."