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Joke of the Day

"[Red Lobster] Waiter: we're offering Endless Shrimp. Me: bring me the endless shrimp <5 days later> Waiter: please leave, I have a family"

"I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer. I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!"

"will you marry me? ""OMG YES! I love you!!!"" *imagines typing only 4 characters for 'wife' instead of 'girlfriend' on Twitter* I love you too"

"Hostage jokes aren't funny... Unless you execute them well."

"I don't want this month to end because the puppy on my calendar is extra cute."

"Thank goodness for wide, paved road shoulders that important people like me are entitled to use during traffic jams."

"Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer."

"Why do Jews stay home during the summer? They don't like going to camps."

"Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we'll sleep in a tent and pee outside. Is he mad at me?"

"How do you tell an X chromosome from a Y chromosome? Pull down its genes."