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Joke of the Day

"will you marry me? ""OMG YES! I love you!!!"" *imagines typing only 4 characters for 'wife' instead of 'girlfriend' on Twitter* I love you too"

"I own box sets of both the Star Wars and Star Trek franchises in case you were wondering if virginity can grow back."

"I heard your mom won a gold medal! I didn't even know they had sumo wrestling at the Olympics!"

"What's the deal with airplane peanuts? I mean, seriously, are they seeing anyone?"

"Where does the USB key come from? Uzbekistan!"

"Prince Charles faces strong criticism while visiting Saudi Arabia... One onlooker was heard bellowing, ""Look at the ears on that!"""

"[in car with wife] ""did you take $20 from my purse?"" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*"

"Bill Gates is donating $10Billion to help children everywhere get vaccinations. ...But you know they're just gonna spend it on booze."

"How would you rate an average upholstery job upon completion? Eh. Sew-sew."

"The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise. No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the"