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Joke of the Day

"I wonder if anyone in a full burqa ever thinks, ""Wow, that's a great picture of me."""

"I just whispered ""Come at me, bro"" to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I'm in my car driving away from my old life."

"Giant bird goes to a psychiatrist.. ''I feel like I'm ignored all the time.'' ''Maybe it's because you're ostrich sized''"

"*wife walks in* *sees cheese balls everywhere* *shakes head* ""what? 8 won't get better at catching food in his mouth if we don't practice"""

"*gets to hell* [In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER"

"LPT: Don't eat Taco Bell for breakfast. Or you're gonna have a shitty day."

"My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex Just this morning she asked me ""Is that the best you can do?"""

"I want a ""refrigerataur."" Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession."

"For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids."

"The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth."