2209

Joke of the Day

"It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it's the right brand so it doesn't get the hose again."

Next Joke
 
"So my car broke down My mechanic said it was obvious I'd blown a seal. I said keep my private life out of it and just fix the damn car!"
"Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance"
"I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can't kill the same people as the other guy"
"""Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again."" (my brain)"
"Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?"
"Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today. Then smile and walk away."
"[Me]: ""I have hat-like reflexes"" [You]: Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? [Me]: *sitting on top of your head* ""Nope"""
"I bet the first guy to pee on someone's jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them."
"""The doctor can see you now."" - a nurse, after removing the doctor's blindfold."