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Joke of the Day
"""Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again."" (my brain)"
Next Joke
"My girlfriend called me a pedophile... And I said ""that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old."""
"What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A Catholic will say hello when he sees you in the liquor store."
"Why are there interstates in Hawaii?"
"I don't like camels And anybody who can go a week without a drink."
"I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution"
"What did M. Night Shyamalan say about a duck's penis? What a twist."
"""Should the cabin lose pressure oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."""
"Who would still buy a Note 7 after all the controversy? A Muslim"
"[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? ""No"" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*"