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Joke of the Day

"I woke up hungover but couldn't make myself throw up. So I guess I have a lotta shit to deal with today."

"I only buy expensive baby food with cute babies on the label because I'm willing to pay extra if it means my kids aren't eating ugly babies."

"What's the best way to be on Instagram and in life? Selfless"

"Judge: You shot him. How do you plead? Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding Judge: HAHA Me: HAHA *High five? Judge: Ten years with no bail"

"Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls til she died"

"9/11 jokes aren't funny. My dad died that day. Isn't it good that he was doing what he loved most - flying planes."

"At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she'll need to get a job. Is it 6?"

"Nobody cares about the Jews Hitler and his men are having a meeting, Hitler: We will kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown. Men: Why the clown? Hitler: See! I told you nobody cares about the Jews!"

"Is siri better than you? that's a siri-ous question."

"What does a vampire take for a cold? Coffin syrup!"