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Joke of the Day

"I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice. My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly."

"Text to wife: ""Would you bring me my "" and my phone suggests ""girlfriend."" My phone is trying to kill me."

"People say Tinder users are perverts... ...but I think it's fantastic! I met my girlfriend of 18 months on there. I've been seeing her for a couple of weeks now and it's going great."

"Why do pandas have black eyes? SHE FELL, DAMNIT! God! What is with all the fucking questions?"

"What has been in the news specifically because it comes in small boxes? Jared's penis"

"What do you do with your gum when there isn't a trash can/little kid's hair to throw it in?"

"There is a big fat naked guy and another naked guy behind him who has a big nose. The front guy turns around, what happens to guy behind? He broke his nose."

"What do you call a bowling alley in Brooklyn? Ebo-wling"

"Someday I'm gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone's mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights."

"Temples are free to enter but still empty. Pubs charge to enter, but are full. People ignore inner peace &choose; to pay for self destruction"