143924

Joke of the Day

"Text to wife: ""Would you bring me my "" and my phone suggests ""girlfriend."" My phone is trying to kill me."

"What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S? WD-4D"

"COMMERCIAL: [a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated] Narrator: SHOES"

"What is a 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period."

"How do you make a dog float? Take two scoops of ice cream a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog."

"Which is the meat patties' least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!"

"The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT."

"Hey yoda... Are we in the right way? -Off course we are. -All right. KEEP GOING IN THIS WAY."

"My wife made fun of my (admittedly) ugly balls again. I shall now drop the charade that I am a ""feminist."""

"I'm not flirting, I'm being friendly. *gets on knees and undoes your belt*"