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Joke of the Day

"*boss calls me into office* ""um but sir my name is--"" Be quiet you're ""into office"" now"

"*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* ""the leather keeps sticking to my back"" ""for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on"""

"Have you heard the one about the ceiling? Nevermind, it's over your head"

"Why was Skippy falsely imprisoned? Because it was a kangaroo court."

"Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's fucking dead."

"Known as the ""one-day insect"" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms... But it still lives longer than my headphones."

"girlfriend: we need to talk me: ok what's up girlfriend: I'm pregnant me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT'S MY FAULT TOO"

"Me:- Boss i am not coming into work to day coz i am sick. Boss:- How sick are you? Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister"

"There are more Americans that have married Kim Kardashian than the number of Americans with Ebola."

"On a scale of 1 to Osama... How good was the hiding spot?"