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Joke of the Day

"*texting with girls* Her: I <3 you Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you're less than 3"

"My VW Beetle can't deliver when I want a ""GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY"" honk. It's all, ""Hi! Let's get a latte after you move just a smidge!"""

"Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit. Bilbo is 7' 6"" now."

"""Doctor, doctor, there's a lettuce sticking out of my bum! Is it serious?"" ""I'm sorry to tell you, that's just the tip of the iceberg."""

"Im not sure who named the Gregorian calender ,probably some guy called Greg. Or Ian."

"What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator."

"If Socrates had been a woman, he would've said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear."

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places today He told me not to go back to those places"

"Duct tape can't fix stupidity, but it can muffle it."

"When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one. Cause if I'm going to be freaked out, you should be too."