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Joke of the Day

"[types symptoms into WebMD] WebMD: Eww. Gross."

"Sucks how Caesar died... ...Who knew he was allergic to knives?!"

"I just heard Bill is interested in Hillary again... She's barely legal..."

"[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*"

"I try to fill the void in my life with food... But it always goes to shit."

"If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx"

"I like NPR because you always know how much saliva is inside every announcer's mouth at all times."

"Why does Luke Skywalker never have trouble getting laid? Because he always uses the force."

"You know why it is that when a flock of birds fly in a 'V' formation one side is always longer the other? There's more birds on that side."

"I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I'm pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item."