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Joke of the Day
"I'm 1% inspiration, 1% perspiration, 98% masturbation."
Next Joke
"There's an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are. You don't need this. If your phone doesn't ring at all, you're ugly."
"Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre. Their girlfriends however... not so much."
"[at interview] ""ok 1st question you're on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him"" umm ""..."" subwoofer? ""welcome to the navy seals"""
"What do you call an aardvark that's just lost a fight? A vark!"
"i am skeptical of the concept ""Too Big To Fail"" mainly because i am extremely big and i fail constantly"
"On its wedding night, why did the jungle cat have sex with the hotel receptionist? It was a fast cheetah"
"So Helen Keller walks into a bar Then she walks into a table. Then she walks into a lamp. Then she walks into the wa- ok, you get the idea."
"I'm writing a television series which involves everyone smoking dope. It's a mellow drama."
"So I was looking over a Jazz tune... My god...this song has more accidentals than an orphanage."