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Joke of the Day

"""I'm sorry. I haven't had sex for a very long time."" -- and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior."

"I already have a date for Valentine's Day February 14th"

"Just heard Kim Kardashian's new song. All I'm going to say is that, for as many black dudes as she bangs, I expected more."

"5 jokes at once. Q: how to tell 5 jokes at once? A: One direction"

"After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don't look happy."

"I saw a man 3 foot 3 outside my house looking for my utilities readings Turns out he was the metre man"

"[judge at restaurant] ""I will try... the lobster"" [2 hours later] ""I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"""

"How do you tell the difference between a physicist and a plumber? Ask them to say the word 'unionized'."

"I like to use big words that I don't understand- they make me seem more photosynthesis."

"I just saw the most beautiful girl, but she was wearing those huge sunglasses so there is still a chance she's a 1200 pound rhinoceros."