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Joke of the Day

"What did MC Hammer say to his wife when she caught him cheating? Can't trust this"

"What's the difference between parsley and pussy? No one likes to eat parsely."

"Everyone around me keeps telling me I'm mean. Which is absurd. Plus, they're ugly."

"As a kid on summer nights I'd capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say ""please buy me a sega this does nothing for me"""

"*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out* But that means [cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]"

"I hate being bi-polar. It's AWESOME!"

"Why didn't the paraplegic look in the mirror? He couldn't stand to see himself like that."

"Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm pretty? Cop: No Me: Because I'm on Twitter? Cop: No Me: Officer I can do this all day"

"What works in a circus walks a tightrope and has claws ? An acrocat !"

"What do you call a spiderman that's good at sex? Peter Parker"