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Joke of the Day

"Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm pretty? Cop: No Me: Because I'm on Twitter? Cop: No Me: Officer I can do this all day"

"So I got a vasectomy today... Doctor walks in and says: ""you're in good hands, I've altered more balls than Tom Brady"""

"Txt from wife: where r u Me:kitchen Wife:can u feed cat M: I mean garage W:bring in laundry M:bathroom W:clean toilet M: Idaho W:get potatos"

"What is a priest's favorite guitar chord? Gsus"

"What is better than getting a gold medal at the paralympics? Having legs."

"The NYC smoking ban sucks. Thankfully you can still wear sunglasses indoors, otherwise it'd be impossible to tell who the cool people are."

"Girl Dance Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet."

"New York: The city that never sleeps. Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday. Paris: The city that never sleeps alone."

"*walks up to a group of sad people at a funeral* Do y'all know the wifi password"

"""30 shots of espresso NOW."" *barista's eyes widen* Whoa what do you do for a living? ""I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!"" *roundhouse kicks barista*"