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Joke of the Day

"*builds time machine* *goes back in time 183 days* *earth is on the other side of the sun* *dies in space*"

"Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans? 'Cuz they were stalin'!"

"What do you call a bear without teeth? You call that fellah a gummy bear."

"[puts in hearing aid] aids aids aids aids aids [takes out hearing aid]"

"My computer blew up in front of my face. I still can't process why that happened."

"What do astronomers do when they have nowhere else to turn? They default in our stars"

"*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey* NO! *smacks it out of her hand* ""I want to color!"" ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK ""But daddy-"" DON'T CALL ME THAT"

"An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar... They try to have a nice evening, but are forced to leave since everyone is aggressively telling them that they are wrong."

"What's the most common pickup line at a gay bar? May I please push in your stool?"

"What can a homeless figure skater do to get by? Turn-tricks"