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Joke of the Day

"*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey* NO! *smacks it out of her hand* ""I want to color!"" ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK ""But daddy-"" DON'T CALL ME THAT"

"My mate got run over this morning by a limousine, it took fucking ages..."

"What do you get if you cross an owl with a donkey? A Wise Ass."

"Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses. Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous... Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Vocabulary?"

"When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject, these days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow."

"Phone just autocorrected ""your"" to ""yore"" in case thou wouldst think I'm smarter than thee."

"I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me."

"I saw my waitress had a black eye so I ordered really slow Since she's obviously not good at listening."

"Sometimes I get down on my knees and pray for a pigeon to fly directly into my mouth"

"Why did the guy kick the broom out of his house? It swept with his girlfriend :P"