211850

Joke of the Day

"I want to steal someone's phone who has 8000 followers and retweet the fuck out of myself"

"Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there's no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good."

"I've bought up all the Scrabble games I can get my hands on. I heard there's a lot of money in text tiles."

"When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You're experiencing what scientists refer to as ""the eye of the shitstorm."""

"#ReplaceBandNamesWithChicken Chicken (Weezer), Chicken (Rush), Chicken (Journey), Chicken (Kansas), Chicken (Radiohead), Chicken (Hole), Chi"

"It's orange, it says it's an orange, but it's not an orange. What is it? A tangerine with a big mouth."

"My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. Then the librarian told me to take it out. hehehehehe"

"Depression hurts. Ask your doctor if maybe he wants to hang out Saturday night if he's not doing anything."

"I like my coffee like I like my slaves Free You racist fuck"

"Why do Jewish men watch porno's backwards? That way they can see the hooker give the money back."