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Joke of the Day

"Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless."

"Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap. Filthy bastards."

"New machine at the gym There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all. Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas."

"How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Mind yer own fuckin' business!"

"set a fire for a man and he is warm for a day, set him on fire and he is warn for the rest of his life"

"PARTYING = a simple word describing the physical expression of a state mind in which you're deeply aware of how incredible it is to exist."

"SexyButtPotato So somebody has been uploading my nudes from when I was a teen... Makes me mildly uncomfortable. http://imgur.com/5Gd9VUI"

"I just had some mediocre chinese food ... it was Tso Tso"

"Only three things are infinite The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period."

"The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she's all like, 'I'll never let go' and then she lets go."