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Joke of the Day

"An old man goes to the doctor... Man: Doc, my belly is so fat I can't see my penis at all! Doctor: Have you tried to diet? Man: Why? What color is it now?"

"""omg you're covered in blood! are you ok?"" [cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly] you should see the other guy"

"What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick into an asshole..."

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."

"What did the chinese billionaire say after buying the deer with no eyes? I have no Idea."

"What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink."

"My girlfriend wants to be in a long distance relationship, according to this restraining order."

"My keyboard squeaks and so does my mouse."

"My ex and I broke up because she said she couldn't be with someone who wanted her to change. I just wanted her to stop sleeping with my friends."

"I'm so proud of myself, it took me only six months to finish my latest jigsaw puzzle... ...the box said 2-4 years!"