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Joke of the Day

"""omg you're covered in blood! are you ok?"" [cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly] you should see the other guy"

"CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another? ME: (OK don't blow this) Sure *she hands me her empty glass & leaves*"

"What's the difference between a hooker and a politician? A hooker stops screwing you when you run out of money."

"I used to complain about the bright car lights in my rear view mirror I removed it awhile ago, and haven't looked back since."

"What do you call a german that does the exact opposite of what he says to do? A hypokrout."

"Anyone can sit here and buy you drinks. I want to buy you dinner!"

"I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I'm ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up."

"A government scandal is like a pair of boobs... The bigger they are, the harder they are to cover up."

"Yesterday I was telling my friend that my chiropodist improved my posture ... He pointed out that it was in fact my chiropractor. I stand corrected."

"What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you racist."