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Joke of the Day

"I remember Pandora back when it was called your dad trying to find a song he liked on a road trip."

"You don't have to write 'Twitter addict' in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves."

"Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums."

"Q. Why is gettig a blowjob from Joan Rivers like Going over Niagara Falls on a tightrope? A. They can both be life-enhancing experiences....unless you look down."

"If a 92 year old woman hooks up with a seventy five year old man. She's no longer considered a couger. That's a saber tooth."

"At the pharmacist A guy goes to a pharmacist and asks for a dozen condoms. The druggist asked "" Would you like a paper bag?"" The guy shakes his head and says ""Nah, she ain't that ugly."""

"How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?? Slow down and grab some lube!!"

"WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti? ME:Better. WIFE:Better? ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*"

"REPUBLICAN (running for office): We need to make haircuts safer! REPUBLICAN (in office): Haircuts will only be done using chainsaws."

"What did the feminist say in her intro to computer programming course? I hate this class, it keeps objectifying me!"