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Joke of the Day

"A woman stumbles into the police headquarters....... And says ""Help me! I was raped by an Irishman!"" The police are quick to ask ""How do you know it was an Irishman?"" ""because I had to help him....."""

"How can you tell if a woman's had an orgasm? Who cares?"

"Some days, I wish I were robosexual, because if I was into bots, I would have all the luck on Tinder."

"What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup!"

"I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early. I told her ""I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."""

"*puts hand on your knee *slowly moves up your thigh *runs over your hip *drags finger up your stomach *grabs remote *changes channel"

"[Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER."

"What will people say when Prince Charles dies? Long live the Queen."

"Who's a modern pirate for the 21st century? Neckbeard!"

"woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical."