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Joke of the Day

"I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early. I told her ""I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."""

"There are two types of countries on this planet ones that use the metric system and the one that got to the moon"

"Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don't like people."

"*knock* Who's... *knock* Who's... *knock knock* Who's there? *knock knock knock* Who... *knock knock knock knock knock* Piss off, Fibonacci!"

"Charlie Chaplin called I couldn't hear him though."

"A female is like an AP free response question She asks question A, B, C, and D and implanted in all Are questions i, ii, and iii."

"How many Freemasons does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a secret!"

"What's the difference between a trunk full of bowling balls and a trunk full of dead babies? You can't unload a trunk full of bowling balls with a pitchfork."

"The average person swallows eight spiders a year. And i've NEVER settled for average (pours burlap sack of spiders down throat)"

"Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one But I don't have the balls to do that anymore."