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Joke of the Day

"ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in SCARED DENIM: don't come back till you're thinny, thin, thin"

"I'm 30 and my knees won't even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic."

"[dating game] GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo? G: contestant #2"

"I just shit my pants! I guess it serves me right for eating them in the first place..."

"Which professional tennis player masturbates the most? Andy Rawdick"

"SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing...1, 2, 3.. MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR"

"What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women."

"I've been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko"

"Body Glitter: For the girl who wants to leave a sparkling trail of daddy issues everywhere she goes"

"a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i'd be able to love again"