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Joke of the Day

"Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers."

"I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed ""take a nap"" with ""piece of crap"" so don't tell me about your parenting skills."

"My doctor said no more drinking. so I froze my alcohol into cubes and ate them."

"What is the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa goes down the chimney."

"I'm 30 but I still feel like I'm 20 Until I hang out with 20 year olds Then I'm like no, never mind, I'm 30"

"Our family's annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I'm stringing the lights wrong."

"What did the deer first say when he got to church? Deer God, please forgive me of my sins."

"I pulled a girl in a nightclub last night. She said ""What the fuck are you doing"" and walked back out."

"Did you hear about that free-range astrophysicist buffalo? His name was Neil. Neil da Grass-fed Bison."

"I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye... So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well."