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Joke of the Day

"Portland is on fire and the nearest Trump voter is 300 miles away. Democrats have a terrible ground game."

"Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium went on a date? OMG!"

"Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word ""stop."""

"I was walking in a chemistry lab. I tripped on some acid."

"Ask your doctor why there are claw marks on the wall. Ask your doctor to stop growling. Ask your doctor to stop climbing and smelling you."

"How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!"

"I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went."

"Q: how can you tell it is almost St. Patrick's day? A: Everyone is taking out their Paddy-o furniture."

"Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey? Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!"

"There is three rings in marriage... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering"